When all you could do is love yourself
by blackfenra
Summary: Shuichi found out about Eiri and Hiro's secret rendezvous behind his back, what will this adorable pink furball to do? Will he remain the same sweet kid everyone loved, or will he change into the man he should be? How much can he pretend not to know this bizarre love triangle going around them? Or was it only him who was left behind?
1. The day the heavens fell

**Title:** When all you could do is love yourself

**Author:** BlackFenra

**Warning: YAOI! Boy's LOVE! Read at your own risk!**

**Rating: Mature**

**Character:** Shuichi Shindou (Hence the story was in his perspective of the things that happened)

**Disclaimer:** Gravitation is not mine to own. It's Murakami-sensei's. After reading YukixHiro pairing, I felt that Shuichi needs a space within which he could breath and cry his heart out after being betrayed. I feel for poor Shu, though I must admit YxH pairing is hot in their own right.

_Shuichi found out about Eiri and Hiro's secret rendezvous behind his back, what will this adorable pink furball to do? Will he remain the same sweet kid everyone loved, or will he change into the man he should be? How much can he pretend not to know about this bizarre love triangle going around them? Or was it only him who was left behind?_

**Chapter 1: The day the heaven's fell**

Shuichi ran and ran what seem to him feels like a hundred miles. He unfortunately found out about his best friend and lover's affair and to him, it was the most horrific thing that happened to him in years. Even his rape incident has somehow failed in comparison, and his head is beginning to spin. He suddenly come to a halt and once again started crying. He cannot fathom how on earth did his most beloved Eiri and dearly cherished best friend Hiro could have gone out doing that behind his back. He must be really dumb for not being able to notice how Hiro would deny him access to his apartment like months ago, telling him that he should not run away from home if Eiri and him had a fight. Or when Eiri would disappear for days and when he comes home, he would not even as bother cast a glance his way. He thought that Eiri shutting him down like always was normal, but when he think about it now, it was almost like saying he was not welcoming enough in his eyes.

He could have never thought about it happening. It never occurred to him that this was happening behind him. He called himself a fool for the first time in a very long time, since it was always Eiri who called him that. Now he can see it was oh so true, how a fool he really was. He was blinded with too much love for Eiri that whatever the blonde novelist would tell him he would believe, even if they were obvious made up lies that he had to put up his lifeline through, just so that the man would not deny him the affection he needs and the love that he yearns from him. Did he really just ask for too much? Was he really that afraid to be alone and without someone to love or so he led himself on to believe that Eiri needs him because of his trauma from before? What a way to dream!

And Hiro, his dearest bestfriend who he imagined he cannot be without, is now in the arms of his god. Panting, moaning, screaming his lover's name as if it was his to own, as if calling his name enables him to breath and live. The one who he thought who would never betray him, the one who swore to be by his side, making music, making dreams, sharing their lives as if they were born on the same day, with the same fate entangled in their grasp, had just made love to the god who he worships like the sun. Shuichi had never even thought that Hiro could have broken his trust. But unfortunately, he did, and Shu wasn't so sure to trust anyone anymore. He don't even know what to believe in anymore.

What could have led to this discovery? All he knew was he was running home to Eiri after what could have been a dreary and long meeting with the new music director who will be going to shoot their new single, Haunted Dreams. Since he was lead singer, he was the only one asked to attend the meeting because Hiro and Suguru would need to finish the instrumentals on the song before the shooting begins within a week. After a four hour talk with the young female director and Seguchi Tohma, Shu dragged his feet back to the studio only to find out that Hiro and Suguru had left 2 hours ago. K dismissed them early since they had finished polishing the piece that was to be submitted for final check with Tohma and Sakano. Since he had nothing to do, he decided to head home to his shared apartment with Eiri Uesugi, or better yet known as Eiri Yuki, the most beautiful blonde novelist he know he ever laid eyes on.

How could he have missed Hiro's motorcycle left in the parking area outside NG Studios? He must have been really excited to go home after a tiring day. It was 2 weeks ago when they started recording three singles for an upcoming album and he would not hear the end of it from K if he slacked off again. So he did diligently, even if it means late-night hours going home, delivery foods, all-nighters going through new lyrics and sleepless nights. It isn't helping that Eiri was being cold, yet that bastard lover of his was always that way. He was glad that even K approved of their work and as such gave them the day-off to rest their weary and tired body and mind. And as the energetic furball of joy galloped his way through the apartment, he could have never seen it coming, the maddening surprise that would turn his world upside down in a matter of seconds.

He was about to shout his lover's name, say "I'M BACK!" like he was used to, even if Eiri don't say much about him being welcome to the luxurious apartment they've shared for three years, when he heard moans coming from their unit. Odd thing was the front door was open, and he was so sure that Eiri always managed to lock the damn door because he don't want anyone interrupting his work when he is in the study. Not paying that much attention for a small mistake, or so he thought, he made his way to slowly open the door. What greeted him gave him the shock of his life. There, in the very floors of their living room, where he writes his lyrics, where he would spend the night when he feel uncomfortable sleeping in the couch because Eiri kicked him again of their bedroom for making a mess with the bed, is Eiri.

He could have sworn to throw tantrums to see once again that never once Eiri changed, always screwing whoever he wants. But what gave the singer the halt was the partner he picked up this time.

_"Ahh, Hiro, you're so fucking good!"_

_Hiro. Hiro._ Shuichi processed the name in his now hazy mind.

_"Please Eiri, more, more! AHHH! So Good! Ohh, don't stop! Don't stop! Harderrr!"_

_"Hiro... Together."_

That hit like nail in Shuichi's head. That voice that screams his lover's name can only belong to one person.

Hiroshi Nakano.

"_Faster, Eiri! I'm coming! Oh, shit! Fuck!"_

His heart clenched when he saw them making love, hearing them call each other's names in ecstasy, drowning themselves in the moment, not bothering to even lock the door, both seem unafraid of the fact that a certain someone might see them. He can't even remember how he managed to get out of the door unnoticed. He was stuck there outside the door of their apartment, unable to even take one step forward back inside and launch an attack or two to remind them of his presence. Then he heard Hiro calling Eiri's name. Eiri. Eiri. Eiri. The name which he can't easily call his lover even if it was his real name. The moaning and groaning eventually grew louder, in resonance with the pending headache he sure knew he was about to experience and the thumping of his poor, crushed heart.

_"I love you, Hiro! Ahhh! So...tight!"_ Eiri's voice penetrated through Shu's skull, sending daggers plunging straight into the deep recesses of his heart.

Shuichi clasped his mouth to supress his sobs. Why, he just heard Eiri said the words to Hiro that he so longed for. That three simple words that he needed so much to hear from his blonde novelist yet time and again never happened. What made it more hurting was Hiro begging Eiri to do him harder, cries of pleasure escaping from the redhead guitarist's mouth. And as he wished he didn't, Shu peeked in the door and saw Hiro above Eiri, his head thrown back while helping himself to the pleasure the grumpy author was giving him. He went still, his shock now unbearable, his muscles tensed in anger and agitation, his eyes blurry with the onslaught of tears in his eyes. The final straw was thrown at him when he heard both men letting out moans of satisfaction, especially from Eiri, who never do that when it was him underneath his bastard author.

That was it. He slowly pick himself up and tiptoed towards the elevator. He almost laughed at his stupidity. Why would he even bother silencing his footsteps when there was nothing to be guilty about? But it would never be known to the world that he, Shuichi Shindo, Bad Luck's multi-platinum selling vocalist, just ran into his most important people screwing each other. He hurriedly rode the elevator when it opened and prayed to any gods that it would send him to any dimension and possible magical portals to swallow him. He can't take much of containing his tears, and when the elevators reached the ground floor and opened, he ran as fast as he could, leaving trails of dust in his wake. He need to get his poor ass out there fast.

And that's what brings him to the present. What could have happen hours ago if he went in and busted the two of them? Can his broken heart take much more? It was as clear as the margarita glasses he bought yesterday to celebrate Eiri's birthday.

**No. **

He answered his own damn question. There would have been no way not to scream in loathe as facing those two people responsible of his current predicament. But then, he could have already noticed that there was no way that Eiri would love him, despite the occasional facts that the jerk sometimes showed he really cared. And if he were to throw his messy tantrums and shout like hell, neighbors would notice, thus could create a much bigger scandal and he won't want that. Tohma and K would have his head if he ruin his precious career and the blonde brother-in-law of Eiri who thought of them as cash magnets won't make it favorable to him. Not when there was an upcoming album. Not until his heart settle enough to face the problem that lies within his already strained relationship with Eiri.

But now, assessing himself, he find it so hard to described the pain he was feeling in that instance. It was a sudden surge of emotions that he can't bear to name, if they can be named at that moment. All he could see was clouds in his eyes. He covered his face and sat blankly in the grassy part of wherever he is right now. He looked up and saw that it started to rain as well. Great. The sky was now in sync with his miserable state. He managed to give out a laugh. Was he a joke for Eiri? And if ever, had Hiro thought about what this would affect him and their friendship? His mind is swirling and it drags him deeper to what was known to be depression and he don't need that, at least not for now.

But it seem unlikely that they even considered of him. They won't be doing that... risking themselves to be seen, if they had at one time thought about being caught in the act. And if his rage gets the better of him, he could kill them right there. But that won't be possible with what's left of his strength.

He was not thinking clearly anymore. The rain started to pick up. The last thing he want is to become sick. He called the next thing he saw in his cellphone. He needed someone to talk to or else, he would be propelled to jump in the nearest bridge he can see or have himself be beaten to death. Neither was his choice, because he need to fix things. And maybe, just maybe, this would be the perfect timing to prove that cheating bastard lover of his how his brat grew without being fed but lies, lies and more lies. If he didn't saw them, he was so sure he would still be living in that livid paradise of monsters. And be able to realize how far he is from being loved.

He doesn't want to think. Because his generous mind just fed him the best of the scenes and it is very possible to have been set on replay.

_"Hello? K, can you pick me up? I'm stuck."_

**AN: Really love Gravi! And I really like Shu, though, how much he becomes annoying sometimes. I just love everything about him, especially his bubblegum pink hair and the unusual combination of amethyst remembrance I hope to read favorable reviews. This is my very first fanfiction and I hope I'm doing fine! More love for Shu! He needs justice! ^_~**


	2. The Night of Darkness

**Title:** When all you could do is love yourself

**Author:** BlackFenra

**Warning: YAOI! Boy's LOVE! Read at your own risk!**

**Rating: Mature**

**Character:** Shuichi Shindou (Hence the story was in his perspective of the things that happened)

**Disclaimer:** Gravitation is not mine to own. It's Murakami-sensei's. After reading YukixHiro pairing, I felt that Shuichi needs a space within which he could breath and cry his heart out after being betrayed. I feel for poor Shu, though I must admit YxH pairing is hot in their own right.

**Chapter 2:The night of darkness**

_"What were you doing out there in the cold? And in the middle of the rain? I thought you've gone home?"_ K reverberated the questions he's been meaning to ask the pink haired pop star. When he found him in the park, hugging himself, looking lost, K couldn't help but feel sorry for the singer, for whatever battle he was in right now.

Shuichi turned to look at K, but K regretted staring at those amethyst eyes of his. They were full of... unvoiced resentment. Something that he haven't seen on Shuichi, which in turn made K cringed at the slight thought that he might have... No, that not must be it, right?

"_Did that Yuki kicked you out again? My, it seems that he is of no concern whether you get sick or what or whether you are free to sleep on the streets. No wonder Tohma is on his tail lately." _K went about nonchalantly, as if Shu being kicked out in their apartment was a common occurrence.

Upon hearing the name of his cheating lover, Shuichi shuddered. But unluckily for him, K noticed, which made the blonde manager concerned. The kid remained still, not one word escaping his closed lips.

"_Shu? Couldn't you have gone to Hiro by now? You always go to him first..."_

Hiro's name pulled Shu out of his melancholy. K was about to approach him when Shuichi dropped the bomb.

_"Yuki and Hiro had sex, inside our apartment."_

Silence. K's eyes widen at Shu's revelation.

Shuichi laughed bitterly. "_My mistake. It was more like, they made love, not sex. I should pick my words perfectly, I see."_

K unbelievably shook his head. This night is going to be hard. But there is no room for hiding anymore.

"_So, you found out._"

Shuichi glared at his gun-maniac blonde of a manager as he paced inside his living room. K picked him just minutes after he actually called him and brought him to the man's private villa in inner Tokyo. Just hours ago, he discovered something he think he shouldn't just have, but surprisingly glad he did.

"_Taking it from you, I think you know what's going on. Mind filling me in, K? Because I certainly don't want to be the one in the muddled water anymore."_

K inwardly sigh and took a seat in his leather couch, adjacent to where Shuichi was seating. But he was just staring at Shu like he won't even know where to start. Or rather, he don't want to spill the beans himself.

Shuichi impatiently scowled. "_How long have you known about it, K? For you not to be surprise."_

"_5 months ago. The day I tried to sweep Hiro off his feet by truly yours but ended up beaten again by that lover man you called Yuki Eiri._"

Shuichi inhaled sharply. 5 months. That long enough has past since he was betrayed and played on? 5 months of being led on? Damn him. How could he have not noticed? He cursed himself silently.

"_They are good to be able to hide this from me, or was it me again being dumb and foolish, right? Yuki always thinks so." _Shuichi seethed.

"_Hey, Shu..."_

Without a care, tears are starting to run down Shuichi's cheeks. K, displeased at the sight of a serious Shuichi, let alone a hurting one, is too much to bear. He could have brought it down upon the pink haired singer his set of bazookas to shut him up like he always does with his playful whining and annoying rants but this one he cannot make a joke with. He know too well the hurt and pain the vocalist is experiencing, and he isn't one to mess with a murderous Shuichi. K hurried to the kitchen where he pulled out a glass of water and ran all the way back to the living room to gave it to a trembling Shu.

_"Calm yourself down."_ He handed him the water.

Shu who was still crying, tried to reach for the glass but his hands seems so heavy. His mere sobs now clear to K's ears.

K, unable to do what he can, approached the pink haired bubble of joy and hugged him tightly, like a father would when he tries to calm his child down. He is not one for hugs and he certainly is not good with comforting people, but he knew that at this point, all Shu needs was someone who'd make him feel he can be okay. A supporter.

In between his sobs, Shu whispered, "_Why?... After all I've given him, the trust, the love... Is this too much for him?_"

K soothe Shu by tapping his back lightly. "_Because he can't see what you're worth. If he did, he would not do this to you at will, am I right?"_

Shu clenched K's shirt and buried his face in the man's chest. "_K, you know how much I love him! Hell, I could even quit this whole band thing if he asks me to... It fucking hurts!"_

K is now at lost on what to answer Shuichi. He's good with children, but not the crying ones. And by the looks of it, the Shuichi in his embrace is a kid in need of love. But was denied of it. The moment he knew about the affair of one Yuki Eiri and Hiro, K knew that the one who would be most devastated will be Shuichi. How he dreaded to think about the things that is actually happening in his face right now.

After what seems to be a while, Shuichi harshly wiped with the palm of his hands, drying his tears. K, once again, reached for the glass of water and gave it to him. Shu drank it in one go and handed K back the glass. For now, at least, Shu's trembling lessened.

_"So, what are you going to do now? The cat is out of the bag, but it seems, they didn't know about it."_

Shuichi grabbed his hair and look wearily at K. "I_do not know, K. I feel so tired and used. And if I think about one minute more, I think I'm gonna lost it."_

K nodded in understanding. It is one in a rare moment that he stumbles upon a mature Shuichi, exceptions are only when he sings and when he do his work as seriously. But the Shuichi right now in front of him was forced to grow up in a hurried manner, forced to think about his own faults, forced to accept harsh facts now served in his countenance. When K tried to look at Shuichi's purple eyes, he was aghast to find that it has already escaped its ardor and light.

_"K, can I borrow your couch for a bit? I feel so sleepy..."_ A yawn escape Shuichi's lips. The mental struggles his having at the moment sucked all his energy, add to that the crying he did a little while ago. The scenario in his head kept on playing.

K shook his head. " _I am not as cold-hearted as that bastard and even though I know YOU by now have been used to sleeping in the couch, there is no way I'd let you sleep there."_

Shu looked at K._"Then.."_

_"I have a guest room. Stay for the night."_ He then led Shu to the guest room and let him borrow a shirt for the night. Shu's clothes were soaked in the rain and was now in his laundry hanged to dry. K had to help Shu dressed as he was feeling wobbly and weak, add the fact that both of them missed dinner.

_"Sleep well. We'll talk about more of this in the morning."_ K then closed the door when he noticed Shuichi drifting immediately to sleep, noticing the forlorn look of the pop star as he once again, let tears flow in his closed lids.

After prepping himself to retire for the night, K reached out for his phone and dialed one of the numbers he knew by heart.

Ring. Ring. Ring.

"_Hello? Suguru here._"

"_Suguru? K here. Can you come to my place? I'll have you fetch."_

_"You're crazy K! Don't you know what time it is?_" K looked at the wall clock and find that it was already late.

K sighed. "S_huichi's here."_

_"Eh?"_

K inwardly sighed. How many times did he do that since the afternoon he picked Shu up in the park?

_"He knew about the tryst going on between Hiro and Yuki._"

The other line let out a yelp. "_He what? How?!"_

K groaned. "_Look, I'll have you fetch. I'll contact your parents. It is important that we talk about this. I am so worried about Shuichi and I don't think some best friend will work now."_

Suguru sighed. "'_K. I'll just take a cab and head there immediately." _

After 30 minutes...

Suguru headed straight to K's balcony. K instructed him when he texted him that he's arrived.

"_Hey, what happened? How did he know?_"

K motioned for Suguru to sit. The teen hurriedly took a seat and waited for K to answer his question.

"H_e saw them, when he got home. But it looks like he was unnoticed as the two seem to be so into it. Their carnal desire._" K smirked at the last words he had to say.

Suguru put his hands in his head. He was totally losing his cool, and be known that he was not called Tohma the second for nothing.

"_That idiot Hiro! I told him to stop seeing Yuki while Shu is still unaware of it! What now? What did Shu say?_"

K looked at Suguru and back into the night sky that is filled with rain clouds. "_He is benighted. But it seems he was not hellbent and never mentioned about revenge or sorts of things like that."_

The look of disgust is now evident in the keyboardist's face. "_They clearly didn't care anymore if Shuichi knew! They haphazardly did what they always do even inside NG and now this! I don't exactly know what Hiro's thinking anymore! This clearly had to stop or our band will be the one in the bin!"_

K offered Suguru a glass of wine of which the teen gladly accepted. He needed a shot more than anything. There were clear evidence of veins popping in his head. He was not liking the situation was heading to.

"_Shu cried and cried until he dried his eyes out and ask if he could sleep here. I offered the guest room. Poor thing. But we all didn't see it coming."_

Suguru nodded. K can be serious and sane for once without resorting to threatening them with his humongous collection of guns and bombs. "_No one saw it coming, K. But when I saw it myself, I was so sure I would sell part of my soul to undo what I saw._"

K grinned. He remembered the look on Suguru's face when the poor teen discovered what his fellow band mate does during long lunch break. And it seems that Hiro is not only satisfied with food to be called as lunch. The kid puked his guts out all day long.

"_I feel sorry for Shu. Sometimes, I had to admit, he gets on my nerves, always ranting about Yuki, Yuki, Yuki. He has no qualms waving in our faces how he felt for that man. But then, I see no reason why this should happen to him._" Suguru's face fell and for once, allowed himself to look sad.

K understood the kid. Shuichi, in all his glory, was very hyperactive. Always bouncing about, as if he always had this energy restoration skill. No matter how tired he was, he would always not seem to look like it. But remembering the kid's face earlier made K realized how the early happenings changed Shu in a second. Now, he was almost sure that tomorrow would be a battle with himself.

"_So, what's going to happen?_" Suguru flicked his gaze into their manager.

K, allowing the wind to play with his unkempt hair, sighed heavily and faced an anxious Suguru. "S_ince he was let on unnoticed, I doubt if they would know that Shuichi has learned more than he ought to know. For the coming days, let's play it calmly. That is, to make sure they won't notice that their "secret" is now out of the bag."_

Suguru's brows met. "_What if Shuichi make a ruckus by punching Hiro or something like that? It's possible."_

K dismissed the idea quickly. _"That won't happen. I promised to talk to Shuichi tomorrow morning. We need a good plan. And I am sure that the last thing Shu needs is facing them while the wounds are still fresh. He needs to stabilize his emotions first before shifting to drastic measures in the want to get revenge. Which is most unlikely._"

Suguru massaged his temples. "_I don't know about that K. But if Shuichi would come out resentful, I doubt it if Bad Luck won't be wiped out in milliseconds."_

K smiled sadly. "_Now, come to think of it. This could have happened to Judy if I did really pursue Hiro. Don't you think so, Suguru?"_

Suguru looked up to see K's chaotic expression. He looked so tired himself.

"_K, you seem tired. Maybe I should come back tomorrow. When Shu's awake."_

K smiled. "_If you had seen your vocalist earlier, you would feel the same as me. The look like life itself escaped away from him."_

Suguru shook his head violently. "_I'll save that for tomorrow. Goodnight K._"

After Suguru left, K stood up from his seat and returned to his room. Tomorrow, without a doubt, would be once again, long. Thank goodness he asked for a 2 day vacation.

**AN: Somehow, I think K and Suguru have been very OC for a time but hey! There's no way you can joke about things like this right? What could have happened to Shu? :'(**


	3. The Nightmare he can't escape

**Title:** When all you could do is love yourself

**Author:** BlackFenra

**Warning: YAOI! Boy's LOVE! Read at your own risk!**

**Rating: Mature**

**Character:** Shuichi Shindou (Hence the story was in his perspective of the things that happened)

**Disclaimer:** Gravitation is not mine to own. It's Murakami-sensei's. After reading YukixHiro pairing, I felt that Shuichi needs a space within which he could breath and cry his heart out after being betrayed. I feel for poor Shu, though I must admit YxH pairing is hot in their own right.

**Chapter 3: The Nightmare he could not escape**

_Shuichi ran for who knows how long until he could not stop to catch his breath. He can hear his heart very loudly, every thump echoing in every walls of this complex only the gods know where. He was running aimlessly, within the pitch black dark of his surroundings, turning to his back every seconds that counted. He must find a way out, that he must do. Solemnly praying for some miracle, it appeared before him. White light. His escape. _

_Only to pray that he be swallowed by the darkness again._

_It wasn't the light that stung his eyes, but the souls that caught in an embrace before his very eyes, wildly chasing each other, two beasts skillfully tending to their carnal needs, one screaming in pleasure, the other one drowned in lust and desire. _

_"Eiri, do me more! Oh my... Oh yes! Yes! Yes!"_

_"Do you like it so much, huh? Hiro..."_

_"OH YES! Be mine, Eiri! Aghh... Mmm..."_

_"I'm yours Hiro. Yours."_

_"Oh my goodness! I love you, I love you... I love... Ahh!"_

_"How would you like to live with me forever, my love?"_

_"I'd love to! Ahh, yes there... More..."_

_"You smell so good, you know that?"_

_"Then eat me! Devour me! Take me..."_

_Shuichi just stared, unable to utter a sound, unable to move. His feet was rooted in the ground, his hands being bind by an unseen force. He want to close his eyes and ears, but every time he tried, his neck stiffened, every scream shot through his body like bullets. Only in his mind that he was able to let out the sounds of pain and agony._

_"Stop... Stop, stop, stop, stop!" Shuichi mouthed the words but the beasts never heard him. _

_Suddenly, the beasts, still not done with their activity, stared at him. He could not look away. The sounds of skin slapping with each other, the look of lust overcoming them was just too much for Shuichi. Any seconds soon, he know he was about to break down or die there and then._

_"Stop with this torture... Please, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop..."_

_With a reckoning force, he let out a loud shrill cry._

_"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"_

* * *

_"Shuichi!" _K shot up in his seat and ran towards the guest room, followed by Tohma and Suguru. The violent squeal sent shivers right through his spine, and K sprint towards Shuichi, not minding the mental curse that's unconsciously coming right out of his mouth.

"_Shuichi! Shuichi!"_ K hurriedly approached the room and yanked it open with force. His eyes widened, as he saw Shu, arms reaching for something invisible, panting, his skin pallid. He went straight to the bed and tried to shake Shu who was violently fighting off the touch.

"_Shu! Get a grip of yourself! Wake up!_"

"_GET AWAY FROM ME! BASTARDS! TRAITORS! AAHHHHHHHHHH!_" Shuichi resisted, and even if he was pinned down by K's strong arms, he continued to fight, unyielding to the request of a certain gun-trotting manager who is now losing his calm.

"_Tohma..._" K helplessly called on their president, who if it was the very first, unable to comprehend the situation at hand. Tohma had heard of Shuichi having nightmares in regards to the incident with Aizawa, however it seems that his nightmares are not related to that. Tohma was feeling overwhelmed with the emotions Shuichi was showing him.

"_Shu! Wake up! It's us! It's me, Suguru!" _Suguru ran to the other side of the bed, trying all his might to wake Shuichi. He seems so desperate that he is unable to keep calm.

_"You could have just killed me bastards! Just do it!" _Shuichi continued to scream in agony. Tohma winced at the impact of the cry in his ears.

The adults can only stare at the keyboard prodigy as he tried to wake his vocalist up. He was crying himself and shaking the other as if his life depended on Shuichi opening his eyes.

"_Shu, please! Open your eyes!_" Suguru now feeling scared, suddenly slapped Shuichi's face.

If it was the sudden slap on his face or if he ever finally heard their voices, Shuichi stopped struggling. Then he slowly opened his eyes.

"_Shuichi! Are you with us?_" Suguru was the first one to wave his hands on the singer's face.

_"Traitors they are..."_ Trembling, tears unceremoniously started to trek down Shu's face, agitating the already frightened K. Never had K felt so helpless in his life, he always had his way through it. But seeing Shu having nightmares, K was so sure he lost his composure and the strong-man-shall-win aura.

Tohma bowed his head down. He never thought that Eiri would once again find a way to torment the poor child, if ever all the pains he has given the brat wasn't enough. Yes, he may not be at all good with Shindo being his partner, but everything has its limit. Even he knows that. He could have break it off with the brat in the most acceptable terms, not by adding stress to his already depleting morale. And to top it all, this has to happen before a major concert before them. This will certainly tip the balance off for the band.

Suguru weakly sat on the floor, his hands covering his face. Never had he cried for something so unusual. But the spine-chilling encounter with Shuichi's nightmare attack has sent him high on a massive headache assault. If Hiro saw the consequences of his affair with Yuki Eiri, he would be so damn sure that their guitarist would pay dearly. If Hiro could have seen the horror in Shuichi's eyes, then he would have not done it.

"_Water..._" Shuichi stated weakly.

K struggled to rush to his ward's side. _"I'll get it._" And then he was gone through the door, leaving Suguru and Tohma. It was the only way he could get away from the unstable tension inside the room. He had to calm himself as well.

Shuichi slowly rose in his bed. On cue, Tohma flicked his gaze towards his pink-haired, cash magnet vocalist. But Tohma was so sure he didn't see one bit of the old Shuichi Shindo he had known in years in the man he is staring at right now. He was devoid of life, his purple eyes dead, and he looked matured than his age could justify. The only vestige left of Shuichi was his signature pink hair, though it had somewhat lacked of vibrancy. Only then it hit Tohma what a wreck Shuichi was in only a day. Only yesterday that he saw the beauty of this kid, his angelic face capturing those who lay their eyes on it.

Tohma had known about Eiri and Hiro's illicit affair half a year ago when one of his CCTV camera caught the gorgeous blonde novelist and Bad Luck's amorous guitarist making out in one of their unused soundproof studio. Tohma, who can't turn a head away from the affair summoned both concerned parties but was only met with resistance from Eiri himself, fighting against the idea of not seeing the one he truly loves, or so he says. Particularly, he was not anymore interested meddling in Eiri's romantic affairs, but was only concerned of his company's reputation being used like a cheap motel you could find in a downtown.

He was even made to promise not to speak about this with Shindo, and he himself won't want to tell the singer about it. Because he would want the kid to be the one to find out about his lover and best friend double-crossing him. Now, as he can readily see it, Eiri and Hiro would be in hell, no doubt. The guy had suffered so much in Eiri's hands, though Tohma knew that what Shuichi only needs from his brother-in-law was love and loyalty, which is now heartily given to his good friend. He hate to admit it, but he applauded Shuichi right now for being able to make it before breaking down in front of Eiri.

Suguru, on the other side, just stared back at an almost dead Shuichi. He was awake, but his eyes- the once beautiful purple orbs that he can only wear in the most amazing grace, is nothing but lifeless. But even in those eyes, he can see the turmoil beyond Shuichi, grasping him with might, binding him slowly to its will. He is now afraid for Hiro's life, seeing Shu seething. This is not a good sign. Shuichi, though had slept, looks so wasted it would seem to an outsider that he was up for an all-nighter. Suguru's eyes scanned through Shuichi's form. He knew at that moment, the guy will never be the same again.

* * *

After K brought the water to the room, Shuichi once again closed his eyes and drifted back to sleep. The pop star looked too tired to stay awake, and the men knew that he needed it. They slowly closed the door of the guest room and went back to K's living room. It was still morning and yet they felt as if the day had gone by, feeling out of energy themselves.

"_Eiri is in for trouble, but I doubt he'll mind,_" Tohma stated as a matter-of-fact. He sat down at the posh luxurious sofa and took off his coat. The heat didn't help. And his brain just stopped functioning ever since seeing his prized artist seething like a demon would. Traces of him being an angel all gone.

Suguru exhaled deeply and sat beside Tohma. "_Hiro should have his red hair cut off by now, if he won't like Shuichi tearing his scalp and pulling out his brains."_

Tohma snickered at the comment his younger cousin made, proof that the Seguchi/Fujisaki bloodline isn't something you'd mess with. _"For once, I would like to side with Shindo-kun. Eiri had gone too far this time. Can't he see the kid's struggle? I could only hoped that Mika won't know about this development."_

K brushed his hair with his hands. He was still anxious. "_If your wife knows, God forbid, what she would do to his asshole of a brother."_

Tohma and Suguru agreed in unison.

"_I am assured that Shuichi is now freeing himself with his predilection with Eiri._" K took one of his guns and started polishing it, as if it was some way to ease the tides in his heart watching Shuichi a while ago. He treated the kid like his own son would, seeing to it that he was protected somehow, not as the star he was in charge with, but an angel who needs his constant shield against harmful deeds. And now that the tables turn, can he still protect Shu?

Tohma folded his arms and sat royally. "_Can he tear himself away from Eiri? That kid had been put through a lot and he keeps on coming back. Surely, he'd seen this coming._"

"_If they wanted so much to let Shuichi know, they could have told them in the first place. Do they really need this much drama?_" A foul-looking Suguru scowled at his manipulative cousin.

The trio fell into silence when they heard the familiar tune of Rage Beat somewhere. K hurried to where the sound was coming from and stopped at his entertainment set. There above the LED television set is Shu's phone. He forgot that he put it there after taking Shu's wet clothes into the laundry.

Once again, the phone started ringing. K looked at the screen and saw Yuki's name being the caller. K tossed Shu's mobile phone to Suguru.

"_Take the call. Tell him Shu's with you and that he slept over at your house because their were some parts of the song that Tohma would like to change on short notice. And that he forgot about texting him because you two were so busy to catch up on a deadline."_ The gun he was polishing a while ago is now aimed at Suguru's temple.

Suguru, though looked like he disliked it, answered the phone. He won't want the gun to be fired on him, nee?

"_Where are you, you damn brat?_" Yuki's voice can be heard all over the phone.

Suguru made a mental note to get back at this asshole. "_Good morning to you Mr. Yuki. This is Fujisaki. Shindo-san is still sleeping."_

Yuki hissed at the other line. "_Tell the damn brat to wake his ass up and get home now."_

Suguru was horrified at the manners of how the man talks. He can't believe himself this is Yuki Eiri he was speaking to, Japan's most celebrated novelist and their pink-haired vocalist's God.

"_But of course, Mr. Yuki. I will pass him the message when he gets up." End call._

Suguru turned his head to his cousin after giving the phone back to K. "_Shuichi can never go home at this state. What shall we do?"_

Tohma turned to his train of thoughts. "_I'd do the rest. K, make sure Shindo-san is perfectly sane to talk to when he wakes up again. I'll cover up for everyone. For now, since we made no development in creating a plan, I'll be going first. Suguru, if you mind staying here..."_

"_I'm staying. Maybe I could do some tuning with the songs Shuichi has come up with right here,"_ pointing at K's own baby piano.

Tohma nodded. Without further ado, he left as fast as when he arrived. K and Suguru let out a breath of relief.

"_Do you think Shuichi would be okay?"_

K shook his head. "_I don't think he would be. If that nightmare earlier is even an evidence to prove that he can never be okay..."_

"_Bad Luck's in trouble._"

* * *

A**N: Aww~ Poor Shu :'( He was having nightmares now and he certainly doesn't look too good! What will happen to Bad Luck? Will Yuki ever realize why Shu never go home to him now? Will Hiro know the truth that Shu had already got them? **


	4. Devil in the Works

**Title:** When all you could do is love yourself

**Author:** BlackFenra

**Warning: YAOI! Boy's LOVE! Read at your own risk!**

**Rating: Mature**

**Character:** Shuichi Shindou

**Disclaimer:** Gravitation is not mine to own. It's Murakami-sensei's. After reading YukixHiro pairing, I felt that Shuichi needs a space within which he could breathe and cry his heart out after being betrayed. I feel for poor Shu, though I must admit YxH pairing is hot in their own right.

**Chapter 4: The Devil in the Works  
**

**TOKYO, 9:00 a.m.**

Tohma was back inside his office at NG Studios. He massaged his temples and leaned back on his executive chair. He was not in the mood for entertaining people right now or even get some work done, which is very un-Tohma-ish. The things that happened back at K's villa were enough headaches for the day. As he was contemplating about the morning events that bring him into a foul mood, Tohma suspected that he was somehow affected. The pangs in his heart are returning, this time not for Eiri, but for one Shuichi Shindo.

Catching a sight of a broken Shuichi has brought back Tohma's memories of New York, Kitazawa Yuki and Eiri. He can't comprehend how on Earth Eiri let Shuichi experience the same betrayal pattern, minus thugs and guns. Tohma loves Eiri, which can never be changed. But taking a grasp of the situation, he is sure to tell Eiri how underhanded his ways was to make Shuichi leave him. He has somewhat foreseen the results of the hidden tryst between his brother-in-law and his new muse, but he had never predicted the outcome for Shuichi.

He had to make a clean breast that yes, at the beginning of Eiri's relationship with the singer, he had come up with so many ways to pull them apart. He thought that his beautiful money maker was the one reason why Eiri had to be hospitalized, why his trauma was haunting him and that he was simply annoying Eiri. He thought he would see the end of that when Shu decided to go to America with XMR, and yet, disappointed that Eiri had followed the kid all the way there. Since then, Tohma had silently cut all the strings he attached to Eiri to let him live his life.

He hates to confess to the world that he still found the couple odd. Shuichi is a very peculiar choice for Eiri. The kid is loud, obnoxious, sometimes stupid, and sometimes crazy, might even be all of it, and is very dumb at times. Too childish at that as well. But he was also very energetic, sweet, gentle, kind, and very dedicated to his occupation, which beats all of his negativeness. He has a very good heart, because if he hadn't, the kid could have ditched Eiri by now, with the way he is treating him. The amazing thing about the singer was that he made Eiri go out and live with the rest of the world. The kid desired his brother-in-law too much, which brings him to where he sat at the world right now, with his music for Eiri raking in millions for him.

It was heartbreaking how Eiri killed the innocence in Shuichi that should have been left untouched.

But his surprise extends to the unbreakable link of Eiri and Hiroshi Nakano. Truth be told, when he knew about it, he was flabbergasted. Not only because they did it inside his precious NG, but because he knew they were both deceiving Shuichi, the angelic-faced bubble of joy the world loves. There were times when he would simply try to reveal to the kid the secreted, yet he doesn't want to give Eiri away. But everything that's happening is all so wrong he thought he is going to lose his mind, add to that trying to bury the unknown away from his wife.

Looking back, he knew where his sympathy, if ever he has any, lies now. Yes, he loves Eiri. But this once, just this once, he knew he had to control the damage done. He had to get Shuichi away before it's too late. And he had to do it now. But he can't do this without a household of help.

Once again recalling a certain pink-haired singer in his misery, he took his phone and started dialing numbers.

* * *

**NEW YORK,** **8:00 p.m.**

Reiji sat at her newly-bought mahogany desk, courtesy of the great Judy Winchester, when her personal phone rang. She swiftly took it off her jacket's pocket and to her astonishment, the caller was someone she knew won't be as nice to give her a phone call, let alone make one, unless it is business-related. She is not sure why, but she answered anyway.

_"Hello, Seguchi-san! It is quite a surprise for you to call this beautiful lady."_

The other line chuckled a bit. _"Good evening to you, too, Reiji-san. If it is possible, may I have a word with you?"_

Reiji raised her pretty brows and smiled, though she knew the person on the other line won't know that she did. _"But of course. What is it that I may be of help to you?"_

_"It is about Shuichi Shindo and Bad Luck."_ There was a hint of serious tone on Tohma Seguchi's voice that piqued the interest of Reiji. She knew this was going to be a long conversation so she chose to sit on the available sofa nearest to her.

_"What about Shu?" _

She was sure the other line sighed. "_If such can be granted, I would like to have this conversation with you in personal. But as of this time, it would be impossible for me to go to New York…"_

_"You are talking to me as of this moment,"_ Reiji was quick to answer. But she must ask the purpose of this call or both will be just wasting time, though she knew that Tohma won't like that either. "_Is something wrong with Shu?"_ Reiji hope there isn't though. She come to care for that boy.

"_That is the reason why I need to see you personally. I know this would be impossible, perhaps you are now very busy. But it is of utmost need that we talk in person."_

Reiji sighed. "_Mr. Seguchi, please just get me straight to the point. What is wrong?"_

"_If you can come right away to Japan…"_

* * *

**KYOTO, 9:30 a.m.**

Uesugi Tatsuha woke up to the loud banging on his bedroom door. Whoever it is must pay dearly for disturbing his sleep. _Just when the dream is getting to the good part..._

_"Hey, Tatsuha, wake up! Tohma's on the phone!"_

So it was his father. Tatsuha yawned. "_Huh? What is it dad?_" He proceeded to open the door. "_Why would Tohma be calling?_"

His father shoved the phone to him and walked out of his sight.

Tatsuha had second thoughts if he should answer the phone or not. Tohma can be so intimidating even if he only speaks through those telephone lines. Tatsuha shrugged his shoulder and decided to take it.

"_Tatsuha? Awake by now?_"

Tatsuha smirked. "_Hey, what's up?_" He slowly closed his bedroom door and lie back down on his bed.

"_I already asked Father that I'll be borrowing you for the day."_

Tatsuha was confused. "_Huh? What for?_"

"_Can you make it here to Tokyo alone, Tatsuha? Or shall I have you fetched? Your license has just passed its expiration date, right?"_

_What the heck is he trying to say?_ Tatsuha thought. "_Hey, Tohma, what is this about? You better have good reasons for trying to disturb my sleep._"

"_Oh, I have more than just good reasons, you see..."_

Tatsuha's interest is now at extremity level. "_Spill it out, Tohma._"

"_When you've arrived. And by the way, Ryu is on the way to your house now to fetch you. He must be closer now. Better be grateful." _

**_End call._**

_"Eh?"_

Ding dong. Ding Dong. Ding Dong.

Tatsuha ran to open his windows and eventually passed out after he did. He just saw a God. He'll remember to thank Tohma later.

"_TAT-CHAN!_"

* * *

**SHINDOU RESIDENCE, 10:05 a.m.**

"_Maiko, darling, phone for you,_" Mrs. Shindou called out to his daughter.

Shindou Maiko, younger sister to the famous rock star Shuichi Shindou, ran downstairs and grabbed the phone her Mom left on the coffee table.

_"Moshi moshi, Maiko here."_

"_Good day, Maiko-chan. I am your brother's boss, Seguchi Tohma."_ The other line introduced himself.

Maiko furrowed her brows in confusion. Why would her Oniichan's boss call her?

_"Did something happen to Nii-chan, Sir?" _

"_No, nothing of the sort. I just have important things to discuss with you."_

"_Well then, what do I have to do, Sir?"_

"_Please come right away to NG Studios. Do you need directions?"_

Maiko pondered. For her brother's boss to call, something's really cooking behind the scenes. "_Alright, just give me some minute to ask for permission. Can you hold the call for a bit?_"

"_Certainly._"

Maiko ran to the kitchen where her Mom was stewing something for lunch. "_Mom, I'm going out for a bit. I'll be late for lunch._"

"_Alright sweetie, take care."_ That and her mother proceeded to what she was doing at the moment.

Maiko once again held the receiver to her ears. _"It seems I have the permission, Sir. So may I gladly ask for directions?"_ She hurried to get a pen and a paper and started to write.

_"Well then, after taking a cab..."_

* * *

**RYUICHI SAKUMA, 10:30 a.m.**

"_Ryu, are you in the car now?"_

"_Yup!"_ giggled the bunny-loving singer.

"_And Tatsuha? Is he with you?_"

"_He passed out a while ago, so I have to drag him out._"

Tohma almost laughed. "_But I did warn him about your arrival though. Guess I was late._"

Ryuichi let out a loud laugh. "_Kumagoro and I did drag him out. But we have to cover our nose, na no da! Tat-chan stinks!"_

Tohma made a mental note to make Tatsuha take a bath at K's house. _"Text me if you've arrived at K's."_

_"Of course na no da!"_

* * *

Tohma sighed as he finished doing his rounds of call. He knew deep in his heart he did the right thing. No, he isn't going to have Eiri killed in the hands of those who cared too much for Shuichi. For everything that he could have done to prevent it, this was the only way he saw deem to pay his debt for keeping a secret that destroyed a dream. And he wouldn't want another Eiri in the making, will he?

He finally thought about those who he had phoned. He first called Ryuichi, who in return agreed to fetch Tatsuha for him, knowing that his wife's younger brother is not very willing to come to him at whim. Ryuichi didn't know anything about his plans but he was still feeling thankful that his ex-vocalist is willing to give him a helping hand when he needed. But he will be sure to fill the Kumagoro-fanatic singer when everything is settled.

He would still have to wait for XMR's Rage. After their phone conversation, Rage is now on her way with a private plane. She should be arriving anytime in the afternoon.

He was pulled back to reality when his phone vibrated in his hands.

_"Hello?"_

"_Shu's not waking up!_" It was Suguru.

"_I'll be there."_ Tohma is quick to call Maiko's phone. He was glad that he has a copy of Shindou's contacts.

"_Where are you?_"

"_Sir? I am 3 blocks nearer to NG._"

"_Meet me at the entrance. Fast._"

And that he was out the door again.

* * *

**AN: Awwww 3 I know Tohma had been sooo OC! But at least, I want to show that he is still human, capable of feeling, capable of showing human emotions. **


	5. Grotesque Mirage and sister's Love

**Title:** When all you could do is love yourself

**Author:** BlackFenra

**Warning: YAOI! Boy's LOVE! Read at your own risk!**

**Rating: Mature**

**Character:** Shuichi Shindou

**Disclaimer:** Gravitation is not mine to own. It's Murakami-sensei's. After reading YukixHiro pairing, I felt that Shuichi needs a space within which he could breathe and cry his heart out after being betrayed. I feel for poor Shu, though I must admit YxH pairing is hot in their own right.

**Chapter 5: Grotesque Mirage/Sister's Love  
**

_Shuichi made his way to the hallways he knew so well. The furry carpet that graced his feet tickled his toesies and made him feel comfortable. He ran a finger in the peach-painted walls while trying to pass through closed rooms. Then he caught sight of something familiar: a beautiful couch. It was so inviting that he slowly took the beauty of it in his eyes. He was about to get closer to the couch when the sound of a door being opened took his attention. When he turn about to see what it was, his eyes widened at the sight. There, hurriedly taking his shoes off, the blue backpack being dismissed in the corner, coat being thrashed in the couch, was HIM._

_"__TA-dai-ma! YUKI~~~" the sing-song voice echoed through the house. The him that he saw went pass him and with extreme eagerness opened the only room with steel door and there revealed a beautiful blonde man. He was so engrossed in a laptop, his hands moving in a fast manner but still contained elegance at every flick of his fingers. Shuichi, now curious, slowly moved towards the other him, trying to remain incognito. The other him tackled the man, who easily dodged the attempted contact by wheeling himself a few meters short. Then when he showed his face, Shuichi noticed the icy demeanor of the blonde man towards the other him. There were no emotions shown on his gorgeous face but he saw the scowl when the other him tried to get closer._

_Somehow he felt like he had seen this somewhere before. And what's more, the scene had caused some unpleasant sensation in the pits of his stomach. He put his hand to where his heart is, feeling the ache that's starting to grow._

_"GET OUT! STAY AWAY FROM ME BRAT!"_

_Shuichi was startled at the harsh words that's coming out of the blonde man's sexy lips. He started to tremble in fear when he violently pushed the other him out of the door and slammed it into his face. But just before he could react, he heard sobs. Sobs that are painful, agonizing, heartbreaking. Though there was a feeling emanating from inside him to go and comfort the other him, he just stood there agape. Lost. _

_The other him stood up on his own, his pink hair covering the other half of his face, and then turned around to his direction. Shuichi felt his heart shattered when he saw his face covered in tears. And then suddenly, his sympathy turned into horror as the tears turned into blood, trekking down the puffy red cheeks and eventually dripping on the carpet. It even made a sound that hurt Shu's ears, terrifying him more. _

_The boy looked up, and then slowly brushed his pink hair, ruining its beautiful fix. Shuichi was spooked out of his mind when he stared at the same boy's eyes. It was a shade of purple and lilac, but it is nothing pretty. It is devoid of any life, it's hollowness sucking Shuichi's breath painfully. Blood still gushed out from his tear ducts, like a faucet being left unfixed. _

_And then a crestfallen laugh filled the air. Shu dropped on to his knees and covered his ears. No, his laugh isn't anything sweet. It is filled of bitterness and misery. Shu's anxiety escalated, he doesn't know what's going on anymore. His heart throbbed painfully, his head is spinning and he's losing control with his bodily reactions.  
_

_THUD!_

_Everything went into silence. Shu can no longer hear the insane laughter nor the violent sobs. He lifted his head slowly, praying to all the gods that he know that he'd be out of there. He can't feign his fear, he is trembling from head to toe, his sweat trekking in every part of his body. His lips quivered. The boy who was standing right in front of him a moment ago is now lying there on the floor, emotionless. But his eyes kept a steady gaze on Shuichi, not blinking one bit. Shu's body shuddered at the stage-like play right in front of him. _

_Shu moved backwards as fast as he can away from the scene. But something caught his feet. He knew he was restrained by an invisible rope. He tried to scamper but it was of futile hope. The ropes had caught up to his arms and it bleed heavily. Finally it got his neck. The rope tightened around his slender neck and Shu dropped above the beautiful couch he adored.  
_

_"No...way... Some...s-s-somebody!... Help! H-h-help... please..." Shu closed his eyes and tried to catch his breath. All the while struggling to break away from this seemingly horrific setting. _

_When he open his eyes, he freaked out. The other him now lowered himself to Shu, his fingers calloused and crooked, ran through Shu's face and into his neck, forcing the ropes to impossibly tighten around his neck. Shu is now trying to force away the hands of the boy. He is not going to lose his life. _

_"How do you like this?" The boy then kissed Shu's face and ran his fingers in his same pink hair. "You said you'll die without him, right? Then why don't we die together?" He grinned insanely, terrifying Shu._

_Suddenly, all the ropes that entangled him disappeared and made Shu a little bit thankful. But it never stopped there. The next thing he knew, the same hands that touched him a while ago is now on his neck, choking him again to death. The boy's face contorted into the likes of many demons in the fairy tales his mom always tell his sister._

_"You... Stop..."_

_But the boy never heard him. "You are such a beautiful thing, you know. It is such a waste to leave you to this dirty, cruel world."_

_"No... Release me... I need to live... Somebody still needs me..." Shuichi struggled until he felt that his strength is slowly fading. He can't lose to this kid. _

_"Who needs you? No, we only need each other. You see, you only need me. And I need you to be free." _

_"Who are you?" Shuichi asked in between coughs. _

_The boy smiled wickedly. "I am the you that you need to survive." _

_"No! Who are you really? I am not you!" _

_The boy suddenly broke into the laughter. "You are such a lovely innocent thing. But believe me, that is something you won't need anymore." The boy then yanked Shu's shirt and forced him to stand up to his feet. He suddenly feel all the blood coming out of his body. He felt dizzy but he made no move to complain. He was far too weak against this boy. They went straight to a mirror he hadn't realized was there. _

_"Look, Shuichi. Look at yourself right now." _

_Shuichi tried to tear away his sight of him at the mirror. But then, the boy held his chin and made him face it again, against his will obviously. _

_"Look at the mirror and tell me what you see."_

_Shuichi cried silently. What he saw in the mirror was a lifeless, soulless, deathly HIM. He held his breath when he saw that part of him that was empty. HIS HEART. It wasn't there where it was supposed to be._

_"Where is it?" He weakly point a finger to the part where he was incomplete._

_"Oh, that? I do know where that is now. But it's being held prisoner, you see. Do you still want the old one?" The boy held his gaze intensely. "Never mind. Here, I'll give you mine. You need this more than everything right now." _

_Just as the boy finished putting his own heart on Shuichi's, the steel door opened.  
_

_"Do you happen to be looking for this?" The cold tone of the blonde man from awhile ago made the two of them turn a head. Shuichi's eyes widen when his eyes happen upon the very thing that he was looking for._

_"Don't be afraid of him. He can't do anything to hurt you." The reassuring tone of the boy made Shuichi calm down a bit. But what happened next was unexpected._

_"YU~Ki~" The boy sweetly smiled to the man. _

_"Hey, Brat." The blonde smiled dangerously. "You're going to get out of my life now, won't you?" _

_"Do you really want me to? You're going to miss me you know, you bastard." The boy sarcastically remarked. _

_"Oh no, I don't think I would, idiot." _

_"I love you, YUKI~" _

_Before Shuichi could comprehend the meaning of this unusual exchange of sentences, the boy dropped dead on the floor. _

_The shock that overcame Shuichi was unexplainable. And then he turned to stare at the blonde man who was laughing triumphantly. There, in his hand, was the crushed heart that he once owned. _

_And then he realized... it could have been him. But he was saved, by that courageous HIM. _

_Yes, the one lying dead on the ground was a part of him. He was a grotesque mirage, but it was the same Him. _

_He could only cry._

* * *

Shuichi woke up panting and out of breath. The horrible dream just now took all of his energy and he once again, felt weak to the bones. How many nightmares does he have to overcome to be able to get pass his heartbreak? He's had enough and yet they kept on coming to him, no one to keep them at bay. Because the one who's supposed to chase them away is the reason why they had come back at full force. Damn, his nightmares might one day kill him soon.

_"Shu? Are you all right?"_

Hearing another person's voice jerked Shuichi.

_"Suguru? W-wha... What happened?"_

Shuichi took in his surroundings and surprised that he was not alone anymore. Aside from Suguru, there was K, Tohma, Maiko, and Sakano.

"_Hey, everyone..._"

Suguru, K and Maiko all exhaled a breath of relief. Sakano wiped his sweat on his forehead while Tohma smiled comfortably.

"_Nii-chan, what happened to you? Do you feel bad somewhere?_" Maiko was the first one to approached him after a moment of silence. She hugged her brother tightly and let tears fall. "_I thought you're not going to wake up anymore. You had me worried there!"_

"_Hey, imouto..."_ Shuichi knew that her sister was more than as emotional as him, though she was much more logical when it comes to stuffs. If she starts to cry, there is no better solution than to let her. Shuichi closed the space between them by pulling her nearer and embraced her as tightly as he could.

"_Hey, Maiko. don't you have university classes?"_ Shuichi tried to crack a joke as to ease the tension that was building up, though he was very close to crying. Her sister's comforting hug provide a temporary relief to his aching heart.

Maiko released herself from the embrace and playfully slap his brother's shoulder. "_Baka Nii-chan! Why do you say stupid things at this time? I am so dead worried about you!_"

Shuichi smiled gently. "_I know. Thank you, Maiko. I'm such a proud brother._" He planted a small kiss on her sister's forehead and once again asked for a hug to which her sister obliged.

After a long hug, Maiko sat beside Shuichi, letting her brother rest on her shoulder.

_"We will wait for you two outside._" That and the guys silently went out of the door, leaving the siblings in their own world.

They just let the moment pass staying that way, Maiko softly brushing her brother's pink locks.

"_I know now, Nii-chan..._" Maiko started.

"_You do? Then I guess the guys beat me to it to tell you. Sorry, Maiko. Your brother can only be this strong." _

Maiko chuckled. "_That's why I'm lending you my strength. That's what siblings are for, right?_"

"_I love him, Maiko. I love them. So much it hurts._" Shuichi let the tears fall. He know he can confide in his sister without being judged or ridiculed.

"_I can see that, Nii-chan. Seguchi-san told me everything._"

"_Was he the one who contacted you?_"

Maiko slowly nodded. "_Yeah. But I didn't know what it was about. Not until we arrived here and Fujisaki-kun was frantic about you not waking up._"

"_I had bad nightmares. The daylight can't even save me._"

"_You know you are not alone, right? You have us here. Me, Mom, Dad, your friends... I'm sure your fans, too."_

"_Ah, Maiko... I don't know if I can do this. My heart is crushed. I felt like bleeding._"

Maiko pinched his brother's shoulder. Shuichi yelped. "_Aw! What's that for?!_"

She glared down at him. "Y_ou! Don't even say that! You're this very far now, Nii-chan. Don't tell me you're going to just surrender to despair, please. That's the last thing I'm going to hear from you."_

_"I love you, sis. You're the best!" _Shuichi snuggled closer to his sister, as if it could ease the turbulent tides in his heart.

_"I love you more than anything, Onii-chan. After all, you're my one and only dear brother." _Maiko wiped Shuichi's tears and happily hugged his brother.

_"Hey, doesn't this feels like we're confessing to each other?"_

_"Eww! I am not a fan of incest, thank you."_

The Shindou siblings stared at each other and finally burst into laughter. Shuichi somehow sensed that it had lift up some burden in him. Nothing beats family love. He had proven this quite true now.

_"Anyway, Tohma and the rest had concocted a plan. They had me joining and I felt like doing things for you."_

_"Plan?"_

Maiko gave out a hearty laugh._ "You'll soon know when you get out of bed." _

_"You better be safe joining them. It's a circus when K and Tohma's included."_

Instead of answering Shuichi, Maiko held his hands. _"Thank you for waking up, Onii-chan..."_

Shu patted his sister's head lightly._ "You better not tell Mom & Dad. They'll worry too much."_

Maiko smiled._ "I promise."_

Shuichi was about to get out of his bed when his stomach resonated a familiar sound. Maiko giggled and gently gripped his brother's hand, helping him stand steadily on his feet and dragging him out the door. _"Come! Let me ask K-san if I can cook something for my dearest Onii-chan."_

Shuichi laughed._ "You are really the best!"_

Maiko winked._ "You bet!"_

* * *

**_AN: Grotesque Mirage: Means your most horrible reflection. In the story, it pertains to Shuichi's fears, complexity, anguish, pains and weak resolve to change. In other terms, his dark part. _**

**_I had to include a story about her sister's love. Their wasn't too much interaction with the Shindo siblings in the manga/anime and so, i think what's happening to shuichi right now should be a concern to his sister. _**

**_How do you like it? Please don't kill me with the parts with somewhat OOC's. By the way, I thank the followers and for the sweet reviews! Cool! I'm going to finish this story! I'm the hellbent one here, not Shu-chan! 3_**


	6. The Secreted and the Afflicted Part 1

**Title:** When all you could do is love yourself

**Author:** BlackFenra

**Warning: YAOI! Boy's LOVE! Read at your own risk!**

**Rating: Mature**

**Character:** Shuichi Shindou

**Disclaimer:** Gravitation is not mine to own. It's Murakami-sensei's. After reading YukixHiro pairing, I felt that Shuichi needs a space within which he could breathe and cry his heart out after being betrayed. I feel for poor Shu, though I must admit YxH pairing is hot in their own right.

**Chapter 6: Revelation of the Secreted and Comfort of the Afflicted Part 1**

Shuichi was once again astonished by Tohma's power. Who wouldn't be? He managed to gather most of the people who are in any way involved in his current dilemma. He scanned the room and found K on the phone, calling his wife Judy to inform that he would be staying for a while in their private villa. But he never doubted she'll mind, the woman adored her like her own Michael. On his right was Ryuichi and Tatsuha, who arrived 2 hours earlier before dinner time, straight from Kyoto. He found it really incredible that he was even able to make Reiji come to Japan on a short notice, without being flayed alive with the feisty woman's incomparable set of explosives. Very much K, huh?

Maiko was given free reign in the kitchen by K, as her sister demands to give back the favor to his manager when he helped him. She was also able to ask permission from their mother to stay with him for several days, thus another addition to K's guest list. Suguru was on his left, trying to catch a good nap while waiting for this meeting to start. He learned that Suguru hasn't been sleeping since last night being worried about his well-being. He must say that he was feeling appreciative right now so he never tried to annoy his synth prince by polluting the air with his noisy antics. Sakano was also in the kitchen, as he offered to help Maiko.

Reiji was sitting on the corner next to Tohma, who was impatiently trying to make the woman understand the flow of the current events involving once again him, and Eiri Yuki, his lover, soon to be ex. He smiled to himself trying to recall a bit earlier Reiji's reaction upon seeing him. Good thing is she doesn't hurl herself anymore to get to his target and try to tie them up. Though she still give him the big squishy bear hug, which is fine by him. She's become more feminine in gestures and Shuichi chuckled when she saw her initial reaction when he complimented her about it. And her big panda was out of sight as well, a sign that the world is good.

_"Shu, Judy's fine with you siblings staying here. Though we had a problem with what you're going to wear for the next days."_ K sat at his personal recliner next to Suguru's side.

_"Don't worry about Maiko's. Mom had already shipped her clothes tonight so it'll be here tomorrow morning. Mine's well..." _Shuichi stopped for a pregnant pause.

_"Why don't I get your clothes for you at Aniki's?"_ Tatsuha offered. _"But then, going there without a plan might make Aniki suspect us for something. You know how his minds works."_

Maiko entered the living room. _"Dinner's ready."_

Tohma was the first one to stand up. _"Why don't we discuss this matter at the dining room, ladies and gentlemen?"_

Everyone mutually agreed and for the first time, with almost everyone at the dining table, Shuichi felt like he has an extended family of some sort. He sat beside K and Maiko. Tatsuha made sure to sit next to Ryuichi, the singer slightly amused at his childish antics. Tohma sat in between Reiji and K, whilst Suguru and Sakano were each seated at both rears of the table. Everyone was silent as dinner started when Tohma break the ice.

_"Everyone, you must have already an inkling that we are all here to devise a plan for Shuichi's clean break-up with Eiri. Thank you for giving me your time. Now, may we start at the first agenda of this gathering?" _Tohma stated as everyone's attention was on him.

_"First, I would like to ask about everyone's knowledge on the matter at hand. Let's begin with you, Tatsuha."_ Tohma motioned his hand towards the fidgeting Tatsuha.

Tatsuha cleared his throat, glanced at Shuichi, then started talking. _"It was 3 months ago, when I went to Aniki's apartment. I was thinking of asking Shu about Ryu's new number, and so I went ahead without even calling Aniki or Shu that I was coming by before going home to Kyoto. When I was about to enter the apartment without the usual knocking and shouting, I was surprised that the door was unlocked."_

_"If that was three months ago, I could have never been staying much at home. It was the time I was completing the photo shoot for a music magazine." _Shuichi informed him.

"_Yeah, and so I just cozily went inside. And then, I heard you know... the usual sounds coming from Aniki's bedroom. So, thinking it was you inside, I just sat on the couch, flipped a magazine or two from your compilation beneath the coffee table and whisked the day away waiting for you two to get out. I had to wait, because I know I can't get another free time to visit since my duty as a monk is hoarding my schedule._"

Tatsuha drank his water and continued. "_When the bedroom door clicked, I sat up and hurried to return the magazines from where they should be. But I was surprised when it was not you who went out the door, but..._"

_"Hiro."_ Shuichi said lightly.

Tatsuha's eyes closed, trying to recall that encounter. _"Imagine what happened to me when Aniki saw me there at that moment. I was even contemplating of jumping through your veranda just to get away from my brother. But he gripped my wrist so tight I thought I'd lost a limb after. Then he threaten me not to tell anyone or anything about the thing I saw. I was even sure Aniki wouldn't let me live through it."_

* * *

**_FLASHBACK:_**

_"Hey Shu..." Tatsuha put away the POP BEAT magazine featuring Shu and Ryu, "can you give me Ryu's..."_

_"..."_

_Tatsuha's throat seemed to have been lodged as he can't continue to talk. "-number"_

_"Hey Hiro, why are you standing at the door? Go and take a shower," Eiri appeared and wrapped his hands on the waist of someone who was not Shu._

_"Aniki..."_

_Eiri's eyes flicked and the cigarette dangling in his mouth dropped instantly on the floor. The man in his embrace was also dumbfounded, unable to speak for himself._

_"Tatsuha. Why are you here?" Eiri asked with such boredom, as if he didn't do anything wrong._

_"That...He... Isn't he...?"_

_Eiri raised a brow. "So what? I don't give a care. So you should, too."_

_"No, Aniki. This is cheating." Tatsuha felt angry for the first time. He know his brother was an ass, but he didn't realize that he is that to this extent. His respect for the man lowered somehow._

_"Cheating? How is falling in love with someone be cheating? What do you know, huh?"_

_"Eiri, I..I'm going home..." Bad Luck's guitarist tried to push away his brother's arms but to no avail._

_"No Hiro, you are staying. He will be the one to go," Eiri's fingers pointed at Tatsuha._

_"You're in love with him?" Tatsuha was horrified at the thought._

_Eiri smugged. "Yes, I am. Very in love. I desire him this much." Eiri bit Hiro's neck causing the man to blush defiantly._

_"Then how about Shuichi? Aren't you in love with him?" Tatsuha was starting to lose his cool. But he knew that he was no match for his brother. Even if he tried to punch him, he will be the one with the favor returned._

_"When did I ever say I love the brat?"_

_Tatsuha took a deep breath and counted one to ten. He can't take what he is seeing. His brother was obviously trying to embarrass him by planting kisses on Hiro's back, while the guitarist just let him. What a friend this is. He had to tell Shu or else he'll never be able to sleep tonight._

_"Have it your way." He turned to walk back to the door and took his phone out of his rider's jacket. He started to dial Shu's number when he was dragged by the neck and into the couch._

_"AWW! Hey! Lemme go, you asshole!"_

_Eiri forced a grip of Tatsuha's wrist, no sign of letting go._

_"Let me say this once, Tats. Call Shu, and forget we are brothers. You understand me?"_

_"Shit! Let go, bastard! Who do you think you are threatening me? You are sick!"_

_"Stop meddling in all of my affairs! Ha! Try calling Shu, and I'm sure as hell he won't believe you! That kid's so into me that won't be able to leave me!" Eiri pushed Tatsuha further into the couch, the younger Uesugi wincing in pain._

_"You are sick, Aniki! Hell, let go! You're going to break my arm, Oww!"_

_"Forget what you saw today. And then I'll call it quits. But if this ever gets out to Shuichi, I'll break every single bone in your body. Get me? Now go!" Eiri let go of his arm and went back straight to a trembling Hiro._

_"Come now Hiro, let's go take a bath, alright?" Eiri turned back to Tatsuha. "Don't forget to close the door when you go out."_

_Tatsuha dropped himself to the floor when Eiri and Hiro was gone to the bathroom. Hell, he wanted to tell Shuichi, but he knew his brother would make true to his promise if he did. He wanted to yell at his brother for being such a stupid jerk. But then he noticed that Hiro is being called Hiro, yet Shuichi was still brat, idiot, fuck hole._

_He wanted to cry for Shuichi. He would be sure not to look him in the eye again._

**_END FLASHBACK_**

* * *

_"That is why I've always wanted to avoid you at any possible cost, Shu. Because I don't know how much I can hold longer without spilling the secret." _Tatsuha let out a sad sigh. _"I hope you can forgive me."_

Shu smiled genuinely back at Tatsuha. "_You are not the one at fault, Tats. You were just concern for me and your well-being. It certainly is not good for me to know the secret that will leave you with broken bones."_

_"You're really soft, Shu." _Tatsuha gave Shuichi a very comforting smile. He came to adore Shu and his antics, his wild behavior and his own brand of beauty. It was too bad that he fell in love with his brother who doesn't give a care about Shu. It was so sad.

"_I guess it comes naturally to me."_ Shu laughed adorably. Though it didn't show in his eyes.

"_But to be honest, he's wasting good gifts bestowed to him._"

"_I don't hold Yuki's heart, Tats. I could have had accepted if it was a stranger he was doing it with. I could pass that up. But I didn't once wished we'll stray this way._"

A fleeting look of pain crossed Shu's eyes and Tatsuha noticed. Oh, how he wished he could have punched his brother, even just once.

_"How are you coping up?_"

Shuichi paused for a brief moment. "_So-so. I can't say for sure. It was only yesterday that I've found out about their relationship and I can't just easily say how I really felt. Everything felt like falling apart. Everything felt empty. But I can't even say if I am angry, or sad, or regretful."_

_"Eh?"_

_"I'm saying that I'm still confused. I wanted to ask him many questions, but I would expect he'll turn a deaf ear when it comes to me. Too complicated, Tats."_

_"I'd bet my extra penny for booze on that statement, Shu."_

Shuichi's eyes lighted up a bit. "_Thank you, Tats."_

_"Why would you thank me, Shu? I hid a secret from you."_

_"That's why I am grateful to you. Because if you told me about it earlier, I won't be able to finish that damn magazine pictorial because I'll be very busy beating your brother."_

_"Do you think you can land a punch or two?"_

_"Why the hell not? Wanna bet?"_

That challenge of Shuichi earned laughter from the rest of guys and a little snort from Tohma.

_"You're so short, Onii-chan. How can you be so sure?_" Maiko elbowed his brother's side, with Shuichi playing hurt.

"_Hey, I'm somewhat taller than you, so that means I am not that short really."_ Shuichi retort back at his sister who was holding her stomach laughing.

_"Are you really ready to break this up with Aniki, Shu? A real break-up, no more coming back promises in the air." _Tatsuha aired his concern. Shuichi's decision will determine the outcome of this mess.

Shuichi nodded. "_I am very ready, Tats. Though I know very much how this would hurt me. But I don't want to play stupid anymore. I am done playing this game. And it's high time that I should be cooperative with Seguchi-san."_

_"So, have you been back to Eiri's apartment after that, Tatsuha?" _Tohma drank from his glass of wine, his inquisitive eyes not leaving Tatsuha.

_"Yes. That time when Big Sis sent me an errand to deliver an invitation for Aniki."_

Tohma pondered._ "The invitation for Yukiyo Masatono's charity affair, if I am not mistaken."_

Tatsuha nodded meekly._ "Yeah, I think that was it. I delivered it to him along with the suit Aneki ordered. And then again, I had to catch them in doing intimate activities in the study." T_atsuha took his chopsticks and started filling his plate.

_"The study?" _Shuichi smirked._ "He doesn't want that area tainted with his carnivorous affairs. That's quite a surprise for me there, Tatsuha."_

The others just sat silently while listening to the culprit's younger brother and the little bundle of sadness converse with each other. After all, it was Tatsuha time.

Tatsuha moved his head to look at Shuichi._ "You mean, you didn't do it there? You're kidding..."_

_"Believe me. Yeah, we had kissed there, many times. Or we did feel each other there but we never did it there. And to think that Hiro have invaded that area without so much a problem...only the space though." Shuichi grinned._

_"So, Aniki may really be in love with your... best friend, perhaps?"_

Shuichi sighed deeply._ "I am sad. I feel very sad. I know, I am not enough for Yuki, but to betray me with someone dear to my heart? Now that's very bad for my ego."_

_"How do you know you're not enough for Aniki? I think you are much, much more than that." _Tatsuha replied angrily.

The kid in question shrugged his shoulders. _"He said so. He pointed and said that to me many times that I lost count in the last three years or so._"

Tatsuha snapped defensively. _"Don't sell yourself short, Shu. I don't even think Tohma would keep you under his wings if you just amounted to that."_

_"That's quite comforting to hear, Tats."_

"_Are your... nightmares back?_" Tatsuha asked with uneasiness.

Shuichi nodded. _"In full force. The recent one this morning was Yuki crushing my heart to pieces in his hands in front of me. A classic tragedy if I say so."_

That statement made everyone gasped. No one even dared to crack a joke about it. It was so painful that even Tohma had to look away.

_"But, I kind of learned from this. No matter how I found out me being led on doesn't matter now. They've done it, and there was no excuse to who to put the blame to."_ Shuichi's serious side resurfaced. With a determined look, he lean back on his chair and give each person a smile.

_"I was the first one to pursue Yuki, and I guess I should also be the one to end it. And even though I love him so much, staying won't help. And I'm quite aware how my absence won't be affecting him. After all, He has... Hiro."_

_"That asshole called very early this morning, demanding you get home."_ Suguru butted in. "_How can you live with his temper? You are amazing, Shu."_

"_Am I?_" Shuichi snickered. "_He wanted me home to walk in on them make love? Cool._"

"_I covered up for you for three days, Shindo-san. So not going home tonight is not a problem._" Tohma informed Shuichi while taking his furry coat off to relieve himself of the heat.

"_Thanks._"

"_Do you want me to lend you some hand grenade, Shu? Or maybe I should be giving Tatsuha one to blow his brother's home."_ K who sat there silently join in.

Tatsuha chuckled. "_You are so considerate K, thank you. I'll remember to bring one when I go to Aniki's house."_

After a moment of silence, everyone went about their usual conversation. That's when the door of the dining room opened and revealed a very distressed Ayaka.

"_Oi, you're just in time for dinner, Aya-chan._" Tatsuha teased. "_The wind must have blown of all your appetite in the body._"

Ayaka snorted. "_Sorry I was late. I had to pack my bags for my stay for another hour after Seguchi-san's call. Man, that traffic. Did I miss much?_"

"_Nope, you're just in time._"

* * *

**Aniki/Onii-chan: Big brother**

**Aneki: Big sister**

**AN: Updated! Hahaha! 3 Please don't forget to leave me a review! It would help me very much. Aww, I like how Shu reacts here. He's starting to get a bit more mature. Though he is still an angel. :D**


	7. The Secreted and the Afflicted Part 2

**Title:** When all you could do is love yourself

**Author:** BlackFenra

**Warning: YAOI! Boy's LOVE! Read at your own risk!**

**Rating: Mature**

**Character:** Shuichi Shindou (Hence the story was in his perspective of the things that happened)

**Disclaimer:** Gravitation is not mine to own. It's Murakami-sensei's. After reading YukixHiro pairing, I felt that Shuichi needs a space within which he could breath and cry his heart out after being betrayed. I feel for poor Shu, though I must admit YxH pairing is hot in their own right.

_AN: This is the update to the struggle of Shuichi. Will he be able to live through this? Or will he get revenge? But Shu's an angel so I hope he won't. He needs to see what he is worth himself. Hello readers! Please don't forget to leave a review! And thank you followers and favorites, I just started this 3 days ago and yet I am so inspired that I really want to thank you. Visitors, please tell me what you think! I'll try to accommodate. Okay, let's continue /O.O/_

**Chapter 7: Revelation of the Secreted and Comfort of the Afflicted Part 2**

After everyone exchanged greetings with Ayaka, the Kyoto beauty sat beside Maiko and tried to sat comfortably. She then accepted the plate passed by Suguru who went to get her a plate after her unannounced arrival.

"_Thanks, Fujisaki-san._"

Suguru murmured a low "No worries" before going back to his side of the table.

_"Ayaka, how are you doing?_" Tatsuha, who came from the kitchen to get a pitcher of water, inquired.

Ayaka's expression changed. "I_f I say I'm fine, that would be lying straight to your face._"

Everyone in the table silently agreed. Who would be okay when you just find out about your boyfriend being the uke to his best friend's lover? Anyone who would be in the same shoes would freak out.

"_Typical answer but a very reasonable one._" Tohma who was finished on his meal is now eating his dessert, a strawberry shortcake baked impromptu by Sakano.

"_Hey Ayaka, long time no see."_ Shuichi greeted without looking at the girl. He was helping himself with his dessert as well. He needs his sugar rush.

Ayaka acknowledged him. "_Hey Shu. How have you been?_"

"_Still kicking and alive, but barely._" Shuichi stated briefly, leaving Ayaka in disbelief.

_"How did you manage to be so calm about this, Shu?_" Ayaka leaned to get a closer look on the pink-haired singer's expression.

Shuichi turned his head towards the expectant cherubic face of Ayaka. "H_ow? I guessed I got so used being hurt and taken for granted that I was thinking I am pretty immune by now. That's how I managed to get by."_

_"I can't believe that Hiroshi! I thought- I tried to trust him that he won't be breaking my heart like that Eiri! And now... Oh, God, my head..." A_yaka clenched the palm of her right hand and tried to massage her temples with the left.

_"Did you confront Hiro-nii about it?"_Maiko stood up from her seat and went to the refrigerator to get more desserts. The younger Shindou swiftly moved across the kitchen to the hall, setting the plate of shortcakes on the long table._"How long did you know about it anyway?"_

Ayaka shook his head slightly._"No. I didn't have the guts to do so. I did try many times but we didn't have much time to be together because of Bad Luck's promotional concerts."_

_"So, I take it he doesn't know that you know."_

Ayaka took out a deep breath._"Yes. And to think I've held on for this secret in more than 4 months. It made me sick to the core."_

It was Shuichi's turned to gasp._"Ayaka?"_

_"Sorry about that, Shu. But I don't think I can ruin your beautiful momentum while performing."_A sad smile graced the Kyoto beauty's lips.

_"Let me ask you back now. How were you able to hold on?" S_huichi is now intensely glaring at Ayaka. The girl noticed it and tilted her head with amusement, her eyes never leaving Shu's agitated look.

_"How? I guess because I felt that Hiro never really loved me. I overheard him say to Eiri that I was too boring and that I was still not over about your lover, too."_

_"You're smiling."_Shuichi pointed out.

Ayaka chuckled._"Because I feel free and happy. I am unloading unnecessary burden."_

Shuichi unconsciously pouted. He can never win against Ayaka's witty retorts. That's why she was a good match to Eiri when it comes to arguments and debates.

_"When I heard that you've finally knew, I was already imagining a mopping and wild Shuichi running about. Or maybe, a bit suicidal. But looking at you,"_Ayaka eyed him from head-to-toe,_"you're nothing like that."_

_"Disappointed?"_Shuichi sneered.

Ayaka waved her fingers in the air._"No. Just curious why you remained sane."_

_"Good point."_Shuichi relaxed on his seat._"Maybe because I see no point in rubbing my own wound with another serving of salt. Besides, why do I need to kill myself painfully if my nightmares are capable of that?"_

_"He can love himself, why bother forcing his existence to someone who don't give a damn?"_Suguru blurted.

Shuichi gave a two thumbs up to the keyboardist, implying that he liked the comment._"You're really a genius, Suguru. You should be rubbing off that genius on me."_

_"Don't you feel bad about it, Ayaka-chan?"_Reiji asked, her itch to speak visible._"You're a woman, after all. At least, a little respect must have been considered."_

Ayaka faced Reiji and sighed._"If he really considered what this tryst will do to our two-year relationship, he shouldn't have involved himself in the first place. He just proved himself how weak he is to temptation, be it may with a woman or a man."_

_"Everything's up to us, Ayaka."_Shuichi's distressed tone reached the girl's consciousness._"We either stay with them or leave them. If we stay, we get hurt. If we leave, we still get hurt. Two actions will bring the same emotions, but will give us different results."_

Everyone was caught offguard with that statement. Now they really understand Shuichi's resolve to end everything.

_"May we hear what this results would be for you, Shindo-kun?" T_ohma asked nonchalantly, patiently waiting Shu's answer much like everybody else does.

After taking a slow, deep breath and exhaling the remaining of it, Shuichi answered._"If I stay with Yuki, in my case, the same events will just repeat itself. I go tell him how I feel about him, but always ignored. I go to work and he doesn't give a damn if I'm home unless he needs someone to... relieve that stress from writing. It was I that needed him, and he is using that to his advantage and I let him."_

_"If I choose to stay, I'd this hunch that I will still be stabbed behind my back, while I struggle to keep myself together. This cycle will repeat in an unending circle, and I might have broke down before seeing the end. My love will never be acknowledged. I had a high-paying job, a successful career, a huge circle of friends, a very supportive family. But my lover who I thought who will complete that empty part is abandoning that space I kept for him."_

_"I never thought I'd hear that from you, Shu-chan."_Ryuichi, who remained silent for the whole time spoke up unsmiling, indicating that he was taking this talk seriously._"So, what do you think will happen if you choose to leave instead?_

_"If I leave?"_Shuichi's eyes flared with determination._ "I would still be feeling devastated. But I know it wouldn't be long before I become okay again. I can't remain sad for too long, that I know. I have a life to live and I have dreams to fulfill. I am not perfect, but at least I realized I deserved better treatment. I will continue to sing and perform, and I will continue to grow."_

Ryuichi smiled and held Kumagoro. It's amazing how he can shift from a devastatingly sexy music legend to someone who is likened to a 5-years old child._"Then, Kumagoro and I will help you, na no da!"_

Shu showed his appreciative smile._"Thank you, Ryu. I'll gladly accept."_

_"Won't you miss Aniki, Shu?"_

The pink-haired singer turned to his lover's younger brother and smiled painfully._"You know I would miss him dearly, Tats. But it's not reason enough to stop life."_

_"So, Ayaka, you're going to break up with Hiro?" _K calmly questioned Ayaka, though he might already have an answer to that.

Confirming his thoughts, Ayaka nodded slowly._"But that's why I am here, right? Both Shuichi and I need the perfect timing to let those two know we are done with them. There's no fun in hastening what could be done slowly and elegantly."_

_"You're such a sadist, Usami-san." _Suguru sarcastically complimented the brunette.

_"Why, I've been told many times. Thanks!" _Ayaka grinned in an unfeminine manner.

_"So, did you see Aniki and Hiro do it?_" Tatsuha menacingly grinned towards Ayaka, which earned him a slap in the head. "Oww, oww~"

_"Don't ask a lady that! But if you want my answer, yes."_ She sat back on her chair and took a serving of the cake.

"_Whoa!_" Tatsuha laughed. "_That was a quick answer. And-_"

"_I'll spare you the details. I just barely eaten, idiot Tatsuha._" Ayaka gritted her teeth. But that question brought Ayaka back to the moment she long tried to forget...

* * *

**-FLASHBACK-**

_"Goodness! Everytime I get here, he isn't here! He was supposed to be here an hour ago! Practice is supposed to end at this hour!" Ayaka went on her usual long-winded outburst. Her boyfriend of two-years, Hiroshi Nakano, the sexy, red hair guitarist of Japan's famous rock band Bad Luck, is still not home. She just came straight from Kyoto, that being weekend, where she is allowed to stay the night with her boyfriend._

_After settling her hand-carried traveling bag underneath Hiro's bed, she set out for the kitchen and put the bag of grocery on the counter. She noticed that she had forgotten to bought raw meat for their dinner. Looking at her watch and realized that she still had time to run to the market nearest to the apartment, she took her wallet, phone and headed towards the door, securely locking it. There was one time that they almost forgot to lock it that a robber tried to sneak in and targeted Hiro's prized Nirvana Jaguar Gh610 electric guitar, which he uses for concerts. _

_After 30 minutes of trying to get fresh meat without being stucked in a mob of housewives trying to get the same, Ayaka walked back towards the apartment. When she got in, closing the door behind her, she went straight to the kitchen, putting down the raw meat and started cooking. Humming to the familiar tune of Spicy Marmalade, the song which she loved Bad Luck for, she made sure to treat her lover boy some loving after not seeing each other in almost a month, Hiro being busy with the coming promotional concerts in the region._

_When she finished cooking, she looked again to her watch and was surprised that Hiro is now almost 2 hours late. The sunset is now illuminating inside the expansive living room. She decided to go down and get some good phone signal when she spotted the garage open. Curiosity got her and she slowly walked towards the singly lit part of that apartment. She saw Hiro's big bike now parked, but to find that Hiro brought someone with him as well._

_"Oh my God, it can't be..." Ayaka hurriedly hid herself, trying to be silent. She peered in one of the car's window where Hiro was. The garage was dim, so Ayaka had a hard time recognizing the other person Hiro was with. They were seriously talking and Hiro seems like mad, trembling mad. She's now afraid, what if it was a paparazzi or a stalker perhaps? Ayaka slowly stood, putting into consideration to strike a blow if ever she sees fit._

_"How about Ayaka?"_

_Huh? Why was she dragged in the conversation? She moved closer just to overhear what her longtime boyfriend would say._

_"She's boring. And she's not over you. So that leaves her out of this."_

_What did just that jerk Hiro say? And who was he speaking to anyway?_

_But what happened next just made Ayaka stare in disbelief. The unknown man grabbed Hiro by the waist and kissed him. She thought Hiro would try to punch the man and fight anyway. But it never happened. Instead, Hiro wrapped his arms around the man's neck and pressed himself closer. Ayaka blinked, thought it was something that her imagination played to trick her, but no. Hiro was clearly kissing another. And a man at that. She felt disgusted._

_Then the man who was holding Hiro got into the clear. Ayaka rubbed her eyes. She's completely losing her mind. But she kept really silent. _

_There, nibbling Hiro's ears, licking his jaw, biting his neck, while exploring her boyfriend's erogenous area, is Japan's celebrated and gorgeous novelist, Uesugi Eiri, who was her former fiance. All her courage to protest Hiro being harassed got suspended in the air. It was understatement to say she's only surprised. Then unexpectedly, she found Hiro's chest being pressed into the yellow Civic car, noting that it belong to their neighbor, Mrs. Tanabe. And then Hiro started moaning. She thought her ears will hurt._

_"Oh, Shit! Mmmm... Eiri, harder!" Hiro wantonly called Eiri's name, while the blonde man pound into her boyfriend's willing bottom. _

_"Hiro...fuck..."Eiri groaned into Hiro's neck, then licking his earlobes while Hiro was writhing underneath him._

_"Eiri, faster!" Hiro was now beyond control. _

_"You are so fucking good, Hiro!" Eiri lift Hiro's left leg and pound into him more, earning lustful screams from the redhead guitarist._

_Ayaka slowly retracted from the scene. Since it was really dark, she made no delay in her escape. When she reached the apartment, she tried to catch her breath while retrieving her bag. She made a quick note that she will be going home because she was needed and that she already had their dinner made, not forgetting to write that she missed him and that she was regretful not seeing Hiro. What a sweet talker she had become._

_When she reached the gates, she took the first cab that passed her way. Eiri and Hiro. The first thing that she thought was: How about Shuichi Shindo?_

**_-END FLASHBACK-_**

* * *

Ayaka shook her head heavily. It was too much for her poor brain to recall. She loved Hiro, but she didn't expect him to be with Eiri. That's why she got surprised when Tohma Seguchi called her and informed her to come straight to Tokyo after telling her that Shuichi was already aware of 'it'.

_"You okay?_" Ayaka was startled at the comforting pat on her shoulders.

"_Oh... Yes, I am._" Ayaka give Shuichi a secured smile.

_"Are you still in love with Hiro, Ayaka?"_ Shuichi sat on the chair vacated by his sister.

"_Yeah, you can say that. But someone has to give up. It would be them or us. I'd rather be us, we're better at it."_

Shuichi sighed. Ayaka noticed that Shuichi looked really tired. "_I really want to get wasted after that, but I never had a chance."_

The singer chuckled. "_Count me in. But let's do that after everything's set._"

Ayaka agreed. "_They're going to lose us, I will make sure that they'd somehow miss us!'_'

Her calm demeanor dropped when Shuichi tighten his hold on her hand. "_You think we'd be okay?"_

Shuichi looked so desperate for comforting words that Ayaka had to look down. She was just as confused as him. With Shu, her facade is nothing but a mask he already unraveled. "_We will be okay, soon. Soon, Shu. And we will be back to our lives like it never happened. Until then, persevere. Hold on to what you can."_

Shuichi nodded.

_"Do you still love Eiri?"_

Nod.

_"But you want to end it peacefully, right?"_

Nod.

_"Do you love Hiro?"_

_S_huichi paused for a moment. Another nod.

_"They are very lucky to have been loved by you. But you know the ultimate rule of love, right?"_

Shuichi looked at Ayaka confused.

_"Before we can be loved by people, we learn to love ourselves first. That includes respect for oneself and an ounce of dignity and self-preservation."_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"Shu, you will know what I mean at the end of this problem. You have to realize it on your own."_


End file.
